As your C.E.O., to put it plainly, I have a uniquely grounded perspective from which to front-burner some of the juicier and more fungible humanity points of our business. But before we get into all that, some quick housekeeping—we’re out of toilet paper and I think I saw a mouse. And in many ways, these events speak to the curious and sticky year we’ve had here at Carpal/Mascarpone.
In Fiscal Quarter 3, we faced some headwinds and thought we’d have to punt on any major digital innovations, but Janine Dulles and her team did a great job moving the ball forward on all our socials, until Janine suffered a concussion and four broken ribs from a crushing illegal block by a rookie Baltimore Ravens defensive lineman. To say that we in the C-suite were shocked would be an understatement. No one could even watch the replay. But, to upside all this, thanks to Janine and that whole floor, our mentions were up almost three per cent, whereas, year-over-year, we’d been looking for flat growth, love, and our car keys. The company’s digital engagements, when compared to apples and oranges, were totally different. Congrats, Janine, and get well soon!
Incidentally, I would go into battle alongside any of the people employed by this company, though without any military training or equipment, we would likely all be killed or captured right away, so let’s try to avoid that. But tough times call for tough decisions, as my grandfather always said, though he tweaked it slightly to: “Tough times don’t call for tough decisions,” which put a confusing damper on big family moments. He was my mother’s stepfather and it’s from him that I learned about the power of words to stop momentum and to get people to start chatting among themselves. I don’t want to get lost in the weeds here, so maybe someone could call the landscapers or try to map us out, as I don’t recognize this whole area, and what even is all this? It’s like bamboo or Pampas grass or something.
Nonetheless—which is something my birth grandfather always used to say—as the quarter closed, some of the top-line numbers were still not behaving, so I asked Accounts to drill down a bit. They did and almost immediately hit a thirty-three-thousand-volt underground cable, causing both of Jeff Cartles’s kneecaps to blow completely off his body, and Paul Zestman to suffer nine simultaneous strokes and heart attacks. Marjorie Scall has been keeping tabs on the Accounts department this year, so she knows where the bodies are buried, so to speak, which has been some comfort to the families. We took that whole week off and had some grief people come in (I see Belinda’s still wearing the sweatshirt!) and I think we came out of it more able to accept impermanence and even better positioned for success in the digital space.
What became extremely clear from all of this is the simple belief that transparency is the bleeding-edge sine-qua-non coin of the frictionless realm. It’s not just an empty phrase—investors truly want to see how the sausage is made, so we’re looking at installing some kind of plexiglass booth where they can stand and watch, possibly with a tasting area, checkered tablecloths, and sparkling apple juice. In a quick pivot, Jen Nelson in Marketing vision-boarded a list of ingredients, with fennel as an action point, and there’s even some dialoguing about implementing a focaccia station.
Piggybacking on those insights, we knew it was time to open the kimono here at Carpal/Mascarpone. Gary Cremins immediately volunteered, having misunderstood, and was arrested in the Ichiran noodle shop. Thank you to Sergeant Pelletier, again, for her discretion and for the team-building way in which she de-incentivized Gary. And kudos to Poppy Thompson and Neil Carnation for cleaning up that whole mess, recycling the yogurt containers, and installing an aromatherapeutic lemongrass-oil diffuser. The synergistic way those two get things done makes me wish we could call the company Synergistics, but a name like that has to be taken. Elliot, maybe you can look into it? Poppy and Neil, and everyone here—and this comes straight from my heart—you are all magnetic and user-centric examples of how, when we benchmark blue-sky thinking, even in a pre-tax, low-hanging-fruit environment, we leverage actionable, best-of-breed streamlining, period. Period!
So who is Carpal/Mascarpone? Or, Synergistics, if it’s still available? What do we do? How do we properly position ourselves for expansion on all platforms—digital, non-virtual, and wooden? I asked our guys in Corporate Strategy to do a deep dive on this and—I know what you’re thinking—the pressure of the extreme depths probably forced nitrogen to dissolve in their blood and tissues, causing intense pain, fatigue, and confusion. That’s what I figured, too, but no. “Deep dive,” in this context, just meant looking something up on a computer and, since that’s all that happened, it looks like the guys in Strategy are going to be fine! They didn’t come up with any answers to my very basic questions, but hey, they didn’t lose consciousness or suffer any spinal flaccidity either, so let’s just take the W. But we still need a strategy review, so to trigger positive thought-flow on the project, I’m curating some keynotes and breakouts, along with a festival of really bizarre outsider art, and I’m suddenly thinking, Jen, maybe we could onboard the focaccia in time for that? Assuming we can right-shore a bulk-rosemary supplier? Is Jen still here?
Anyway, it’s been an amazing fiscal year. Probably all years are amazing, if we could just take a moment to sit back, breathe, and opticalize them according to a holistically cultivated and future-proofed, click-and-mortar elasticity. We stand together, Carpal/Mascarpone strong. What are we doing here, what is our purpose, how do we know we are moving in a positive, or even any, direction? Well, I think you guys have known me long enough to understand that it’s way above my pay grade to get out over my skis like that. Luckily, we do pay Marcia DeGarmo in Compliance an incredible amount of money to have skiing accidents, so, Marcia, come on up and say a few words. ♦
